Who called it Scientology and not Cruise control?
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Took the kids to the park so wifey could get a break.
5, loudly, as soon as he steps inside: Hmmmm, it’s still a mess in here!
Me: *locking him inside and walking away* You’re on your own now buddy!
Walking my dog we saw a guy in a suit walking his dog and I know my dog is thinking I don’t dress nice for him anymore.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
What do you get when you stick three kids and two adults with full time jobs in a house 24 hours a day for 6 months and then add in zoom school? A toddler who walks around all day shouting “Oh Dear God!”, apparently.
[knocking on the castle door during a battle] My boss said you guys have to give all our arrows back now
Fun Fact:
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer than meat-eaters.
Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, meatless years.
Make group hugs awkward by taking off your pants.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
My 6-year-old: Why did you give money to that man?
Me: Some people don’t have a home or job & need help. We may not have a ton of money, but-
6: Is that because you keep giving it away??
*gets Ouija board*
Spirits, are there Pringles in the kitchen?
I’m here!
– Me, excitedly lining up all of my gourmet peanut butters just before my disappointing first meeting at Toastmasters
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
8yo: Did you know they used to have computer mouses that had wires? I don’t even know how you could use those
Me: To strangle your coworkers
8yo: What?
Me: Huh?
Don’t worry, my tweet. Not all tweets can be winners… Daddy loves you just as much.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
There are many reasons relationships don’t work out.
DIstance should never be one of them.
You want them?
Go get them Xxx
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
Poking holes in your parents condoms so there’s someone else to do the dishes
“Being nice to someone costs zero dollars.”
-cheapskates
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Everybody complaining about how old Biden is, but not ONE person suggesting a viable plan to make him younger. Smh
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
[Element Support Group]
Fire: I’ve been having a hard time controlling my temper
Water: I’ve been welling up a bit more often too
Earth: I think we all just need to feel more grounded
Wind: Man you guys whine a lot
Surprise: Well I didn’t see that coming
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Halloween is the only day of the year I can be myself.
*flies away with my broom*
I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?
Wanna feel old? Of course you don’t. Have a great day.
Of course Bruce Willis is going to keep playing the same movie roles. You know what they say about old habits…..
dogs after you inspect what they have and decide to let them keep it: