Who called it Star Trek III – The Search For Spock and not Finding Nemoy?
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Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
I don’t want to read my texts. My mom sent me 5 fast, long texts in a row just now & I glanced & the last text is just the dictionary definition of the word “hullabaloo.”
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
Them: Are you the woman who overuses contractions?
Me: I’m.
I will straight up walk into traffic to avoid a kid selling something.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
*escorted from Starbucks
I SWEAR, I LEFT MY SCARF IN THE CAR!
When someone comments that you look like you don’t have an evil bone in your body, it’s always good to have your xrays on hand to prove them wrong.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
#AmazingFacts
Failure is not an option,it comes bundled with your Windows 10 software.
I’m like a fine wine…leave me out too long and I get rancid and you have to throw me out
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
I reached down to adjust my left bra cup this morning, lost my grip, and punched myself in the chin.
My mom always said carry a jar of pickles in the store when pregnant and throw it on the ground as a decoy if your water should break, but now that I’m old I carry one in case I pee my pants.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
was Jim off killing horses or…
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
9am: Very busy day today, I need to focus & stay off the internet
1pm: did you know that Texas has the largest population of prairie dogs?
so apparently there is no such thing as a valentine santa and i’m not sure whose lap i just sat on at the mall.
Hulk Hogan tries to quietly rip his shirt off during a funeral.
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.