Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
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Mr & Mrs Smith is my favorite movie about how trying to kill your spouse & demolishing your house can bring the magic back to your marriage
Guy just walking down the street minding his own business when bodega gato runs out and jumps up on his walker. They just standing / sitting at this impasse for like five full min now…
Me: I brought you some bird seed.
Rad Pigeon: Coo’
HIM: So I was talking to our neighbor…
ME: Which one?
HIM: Susan.
ME: …?
HIM: Susan. Tall, dark hair.
ME: …?
HIM: Lives two houses down. SUSAN.
ME: …?
HIM: Has the pug and the golden retriev—
ME: OH, Lizard and Elliot’s mom!
When your wife asks what’s on TV, dust is not the right answer.
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
The only ones awake 3am are the lonely & the loved.
And also the sick who have to take antibiotics & pain killers.
[bank robbery]
Me: *passes teller second note* ok, now I would like to make a deposit
I waited for so long at the doctor’s office that by the time they called me it was time for my follow-up appointment.
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
My boss always calls me Sweetypie when he wants me to get him coffee..I estimate he’s swallowed a bucket of my spit in the last 4 years..
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
Black licorice tastes like Satan himself made candy and then it expired.
*carrying an armload of condoms to the CVS counter*
Excuse me, where are the fitting rooms?
How to pick up chicks:
1) Go to the bar.
2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.
3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
United Airlines just tried to charge me $25 for the bags under my eyes.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
Mom: When I was your age I never had sex
Me: Mom, I’m 32
Mom: Exactly