Who called it “the equals sign” and not “the aftermath”?
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Wine and cheese pair well together bc they are both the expired byproducts of other foods enjoy your trash snack rich people
Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Interviewer: This isn’t a glamorous position.
Me: I understand. I’m willing to do anything.I: We expect you to arrive before sunrise.
Me: No problem.I: Carry 50lb bags of grain.
Me: I’m your girl.I: Muck the stalls.
Me: Of course.I: Answer the phone —
Me: I’m out.
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
God [creating centipedes]: *falls asleep with elbow on the legs button*
*sees a spider*
I’m going to kill him
*turn around to get a shoe*
*turns back around and spider has 8 shoes*
Alright, let’s be cool here
My Dad has accidentally bought 60 pairs of reading glasses off the internet after misreading the quantity of his order.
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
I could never be an Instagram mom influencer. For starters, I wouldn’t be able to give my kids a name like Banjo or Parmesan or Chandelier.
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
Prince: it’s taking an awfully long time to let down that hair
Curly-haired Rapunzel: (struggling with a straightening iron) be PATIENT
Nice try “Enjoy By” date on bag of broccoli, nice try.
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
white cavewoman naming her child “oog” but it’s spelled “eauxgh”
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
I wonder if there are introvert birds who get tired of all the chatter coming from the extrovert birds.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
COP: Know why I stopped you?
MAN IN A RESTAURANT EATING FRIED CHICKEN: Huh?
COP: You’re using a knife and fork. Step away from the chicken
On your first day as a new parent, walk up to your baby and cry louder than it to assert your dominance.
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
Why do people leave mattresses on the side of the road? Do they really think someone will take it? Do you think I should wash it first?
*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.
I’ve bought tickets to all One Directions upcoming gigs.They’re not my cup of tea but the tickets say The Doors open at 7:15 and i love them
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
A woman on the elevator just told me I have a very nice speaking voice and should do something with it.
Like, uh… talk?
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.