What do you call a person that is happy on a Monday?
Unemployed
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5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
You should always choose B) on multiple choice tests because it looks like a cool sunglasses face. That guy knows what he’s talking about.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
I always pull out my chapstick and slowly apply it to my lips when I want someone to stop talking to me.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
The collective noun for bison is herd, unless they are on tiptoes, in which case they are unherd.
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
Was reminded yesterday that this exists so I’m dusting it off
My daughter wrote a poem in school about where’s she’s from and she wrote I come from my siblings and I being called tiny dancers and children of the corn so I’ll just be outside waiting for cps.
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Doctor: Do you smoke?
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
Doctor:
Me:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D:
M:
D: tobacco
Me: No.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
Saw a used kettle I liked on eBay. It said “needs filter”, but I thought the picture of it was fine as is.
Seekh Kebab
Not attention
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something
My favorite thing to do when my grandkids visit is to bake a big batch of fresh cookies.
Then I eat them all by myself.
Screw those kids.
8yo: The internet is down. I’m going to go play at my friend’s house
Me: Ok, have fun!
8yo: *Leaves*
Me: *Turns router back on*
My 8yo asked if she could have the last cookie. I said no because it’s mine. She asked if she could have a half. I said okay. Now… I’m pretty sure she’s failing math because all she left me was a crumb
Made a deal with my wife a few months back that if was if she was still pregnant come #Halloween, she’d dress up as Bob Wylie. She lost… and all of Twitter has now won. #Browns
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of going on a spur-of-the-moment vacation, we can spend an entire weekend trying to figure out where That Smell is coming from.
Her: why are u breaking up with me
Me: *changing PowerPoint slides* I’ll take questions at the end Jen
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.