damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
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Most of the sports bras I own are because I couldn’t get them off before leaving the store.
People always say reading romance novels will ruin dating for you like it’s a bad thing
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
[at the beach, about to get in the ocean]
“but i don’t want my stuff stolen”
*covers it with towel*
“ok now it’s safe”
[around a campfire]
Children: You’re asking us to be afraid of a story about a man with cats for hands?
Me: Each of the victims’ faces were so scratched up that…
[kittens start pouring out of my sleeves] No, not yet, guys
Whoever said the sound of a zipper going down was the sexiest sound has obviously never heard a new bag of Doritos being opened.
Them: Who’s your favourite soccer player?
Me:
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?
Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.
I was just doing a show, and I thanked the audience for coming out during the Game Of Thrones premiere, and one guy went: “Oh no! Oh shit!”
*shows up at your potluck with a handful of McDonald’s ketchup packets*
“Siri, what are the side effects of Valium?” I mumbled into the tv remote.
By all means, autocorrect, let’s respond to my mother’s “Good morning” text with “God, moron.”
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn’t stow thrones
Your attempt to intimidate me with your knuckle cracking is a waste of time, I’m quite aware it’s a gas bubble between your bone & joint.
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
The lion king: 🎶it’s the circle of life!
The lyin king: so yeah he just fell off that cliff
*text alert*
me: i hope that’s my crush
pharmacy: thanks for picking up your antipsychotics today
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Me: A wizard is never late. Nor is he early. He arrives precisely when he means to.
Boss: You work at Quiznos, stupid. And you’re fired.
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
When a man tells me he’s looking for a ‘real woman’ I scurry away because I’m actually three owls in a raincoat AND HE MUSTN’T FIND OUT.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.