Suck it losers, I just bought an autographed picture of Jesus for two grand.
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Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
An Optimist sees the glass as half-full.
A PEZimist fills it with candy.
well maybe grass should touch me for once, how about that
Sister: What can I get your kids this year?
Me: They’ll be happy with gift cards…How about your gang?
Sister: Joey wants the Ark of the Covenant…and Sally would like anything from the lost city of Atlantis…but don’t put yourself out.
Me:
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
[first day as an architect]
boss: “these plans you designed make no sense. what does 3FF mean?”
me: “3 Fruit by the Foots long”
boss: “we dont measure things with Fruit by the Foot here!”
me: “oh, okay” *converts measurements to Bubble Tape*
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
No one has ever said, “You know what would make this even better? Turkey bacon.”
H: I’m going to fix our washer myself.
M: Okay, I’m going to Lowe’s to pick out our new washer.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
*ad for swiss army knife*
Do you need to open your wine and also keep others away from your wine?
A sex boycott sounds fun and all but have you ever tried marriage?
I miss being a baby and having milestones. No one cares if you’re an adult and can lift your head or roll over on a blanket.
Twitter,
I told my 10 year old it was too late for chocolate and I’d get us a yoghurt. We sat and ate them. I then went upstairs and ate the kit kat I’d snuck in my sling.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
genie: you have three wishes
me: make firemen ugly
genie: you got it
me: instead of sliding down a pole make them climb out of a well
genie: ok
me: take the big ladder off their truck
genie: dude what’s your problem
Chin up divorced people; lots of us smug married parents envy your 50/50 custody agreement.
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
[guy who’s about to invent urinals]
*peeing* i hate having privacy
i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
*receives text from wife
“I’m done”
Ok. I’ll have my lawyer call yours.
“I meant work”
Ok. Cool.