Who called it your foot falling asleep and not coma toes?
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ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Twitter because there’s no other way to get to know so many Canadians at once
I finally used all those stickers I collected over the years. Now everything in my house is an Apple product.
Took my kids for a hike, and my 6yo made a big fuss to get us to stop talking and said, “I want it to be quiet so the bears will come out” 😳
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
“I’m a talking piece of paper. Your eyes are beneath your nose. Nothing’s real here, kid.”
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
The Lost & Found Desk at the casino was no help whatsoever in locating my $762.
I learned everything I need to know from cats. When things get sketchy, run like hell and then stop and groom yourself
After moving approximately 35 times in about as many years I’m here to tell you that you’ll keep the people who matter most. What you’ll miss are the restaurants.
waiting for halloween be like:
6: I like your necklace
Me: Thank you
6: When you die me and my sisters get your jewelry, right
Me: Not if I disown you first
home depot ceo: [incredibly high] let’s sell the largest skeletons
3 is throwing cheerios across the room for 1 to fetch, and I’m just wondering why I didn’t think of that first
Man, we’re losing so many people at work. Eric got fired, Amy found a new job, Rich evolved into a being of pure energy and ascended to a higher plane of existence, Sam’s internship ended… Everyone’s leaving.
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Wife: OMG this checker is so slow at the grocery store
Me doing the self-checkout: I can hear you
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.
[cop knocks on the door of a steamed up car]
[I get out holding a bowl of melted butter & wearing a lobster bib] this better be important
that dude that shrunk and blew up his kids didn’t even get one house call from cps.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
I’ll never just put the seat down; the lid’s going down with it. If I gotta work, so does she.
if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
*8YO arguing*
Me: I‘ll call Santa, right now and tell him…
8YO: Well I’ll call the PTA to volunteer you …
Me: You win