Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
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After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
My 4 year old daughter is in the tub screaming song requests at Alexa like a drunk divorcee
I broke up with my boyfriend. He was such a jerk. What a goat!
-Don’t you mean pig?
No. He tried to eat my couch!
Boss: It’s been a tough year Jim
J: Am I laid off?
B: No
J: Fired?
B: No
J: What then?
B: You’re to be executed at noon.
J: This is bullshit
Ridiculous. He should be in jail
Breakfast: Banana Bread
Lunch: Orange Creamsicle
Dinner: Carrot Cake
Vegetarianism is hard.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
[if i was president]
“mr president, is it true you thought navy seals were actual seals that can drive a boat”
this press conference is over
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
“Keep it in your pants!”
-Original marketing slogan for cargo shorts.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
CHIEF: say hi to ur new partner
ME: new partner? If it’s another duck–
*goose with a badge waddles in*
ME: okay but i’m driving this time
Woman: Ever since my mom passed, I think she’s watching over me
Mom’s Ghost: Yeah, that is the kind of stupid thing you’d believe
Theravada Monks purge all their earthly possessions to express their faith and pursue spiritual stillness of mind. I did it because fleas.
I may mix up my idioms but I know one thing: You can’t throw a book by its cover.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
I wrote a book called “The Sun Also Rises” until I found out that Hemingway wrote a novel with the exact same title. So I changed mine to “The Sun Also Rises Too As Well”
Hate when other parents at school drop off act like they’re better than me just because they remembered to bring all of their children
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
Hub: Let’s go see a movie
Me: Ok. How bout this one? *points*
H: Why do we have to see a movie with subtitles? I didn’t do anything wrong.
ME: I did it! I finished that project!
IMMUNE SYSTEM: good job!
ME: time for a nice break
IMMUNE SYSTEM: me too
ME: haha yeah
ME: wait
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden