Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
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Beatles were all like “We love women.”
Zeppelin was all like “Bitch, I’m gonna leave you.”
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
It’s cute how Taco Bell gives you 2 little peppermints in the bag with your order, like thanks for your order, sorry about the diarrhea.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
Co-worker’s hair looks like he cut the wrong wire.
[speed dating]
Her: I’m a little bit country.
Me: I’m a little bit ready for the next person.
Ask yourself this: will it matter a year from now?
If the answer is yes, I am sorry. You were supposed to say no.
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
How many coworkers have to ask you “what’s that pee smell” before you admit you’re wearing a new cologne?
Is it four? Please say it’s four.
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
Maintaining the universe’s equilibrium by taking on all the stuff everyone is giving up for Lent
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
Remember kids, it’s not a true burn if there are grammatical errors.
Me : So does that mean my immune system doesn’t have to go to work and can just put it’s feet up?
Doctor: No, I said you have a WEAKENED immune system
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
One of the funnier gadgets my parents have is an indoor/outdoor thermometer that shows a little cartoon guy in various outfits to correspond with the temperature outside because my parents can’t be bothered to do that weather/pants translation themselves
If you like being used as a giant Kleenex, working with young children may be right for you.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?