Who called them ghosts instead of post-existing conditions?
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If something rolls off of my plate… I eat it first, as punishment for trying to run away.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
– someone who has never thrown a jar of spiders onto their enemy’s face.
People that don’t have dogs, how do you clean up the food that’s dropped on the floor?
We need to figure out how to bottle the motivation that comes with frantically cleaning the house before your date comes over so that even when you don’t have a date, you can still have a clean house.
some days you look in the mirror and all you see is a Botero painting
ME: you’re acting strange what’s wrong
HER: oh I think I have a stomach bug
ME: ᵀᴱᴸᴸ ᴹᴱ ᴹᴼᴿᴱ ᴮᵁᵀ ᵂᴿᴵᵀᴱ ᴵᵀ ᴰᴼᵂᴺ ˢᴼ ᵀᴴᴱʸ ᴰᴼᴺᵀ ᴴᴱᴬᴿ
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
When do zombies decide whether they’re gonna eat you or enlist you?
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
[driver on opposite side of the road puts head lights on]
moth driving: omg
moth wife: Harold no we have a baby
moth baby: FLOOR IT DAD
They should make custom Starbucks cards that say, “I wouldn’t normally be buying your coffee, but I got this gift card.”
She had soft, black hair, and big, brown eyes. We went for a walk. I told her I loved her. Now she’s gone. She took off after a squirrel.
neighbor: did you steal my trampoline
are robert
me:
accusations harmful
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Met my boyfriend on eharmony, also eharmony is the nickname I gave this vending machine, meet my sandwich
My 6yo wouldn’t eat his chocolate chip muffin bec there were too many chocolate chips in it, and now I…I just…I’m gonna need a min here.
Waffles make excellent pill organizers
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Me: Heeeeyyyyyy Judy, good morning!
*scratches Judy’s back, wiping off my Cheeto fingers*
Judy: Hi!!! How are y…..
Me: *walks away*
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking