Who called them Grammar Nazis and not PRO-Grammars.
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According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.
This cheeseburger fits perfectly into my purse if I leave my wallet out
Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
My 6yo sprayed me with the bathroom air freshener, so now I smell like eau de toilette.
the worst part of jury duty is having to shower with all the other jurors
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
This tyrannical oppression must end!
-me, complaining about the bra I had to wear today for about two hours total
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
4th grade student: How old are you?
Me: Quite a bit older than you.
Student: So like 23?
Me: Deal. Tell all your friends.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.
Bought a dozen stamps today so my kids can expect 11 stamps as part of their inheritance
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
My mom once asked if Jack Frost was based on a true story. Jack Frost is a movie where a father dies and returns as a snowman.
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
Just a reminder, folks:
No, I DON’T know the lyrics. I just want to make the noises.
Hey Dad,
The airport called, if you don’t
turn down your TV, they’re filing
a complaint.
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I never needed anything more in my life
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.