Who called them “homo erectus'” and not… Wait, that’s actually pretty funny. Good job guy who named them “homo erectus'”
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My husband says our family will never get a pet but yesterday I walked in on him baby talking the roomba.
Panic buying, kids off school, businesses shutting down, stuck in the house with your family for days on end…
It’s basically shitty Christmas.
Radio: “…it’s a climate of fear…”
Outside: [*raining clowns*]
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
waiter: would you like the bill?
me: no
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
My wife and I are walking through Central Park and pointing out all of the places that we remember seeing dead bodies on Law & Order.
How does Disney decide who needs pants and who doesn’t?
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
It’s a 5 minute walk from my house to the bar
It’s a 35 minute walk from the bar to my house
The difference is staggering
website: do you accept cookies?
me: into my heart as my Lord and savior
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
7yo:
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
My coffee maker isn’t working and I can’t help but think that I could come up with a solution if I only had some coffee
[hosting a party]
Me: *gesturing* Please place your styrofoam dishes here for recycling when you’re finished.
Guest: But that’s the sink. Are you gonna wash them? *laughs*
Me: Do I come to your house and tell you how to recycle, Jan?
I’m a lady of science at least that’s what my horoscope said
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
Worst part of my old job was drug screenings. Had to tell a guy he was pregnant. Lesson: don’t use your girlfriend’s urine for testing.
Ian: “He ran out of the restaurant, got in the car and drove off fast.”
Cop: ‘Did you see his plate?”
Ian: “Yeah. He was eating tacos.”
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Show her how romantic you are by sprinkling body parts in a trail leading to the bed.