Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
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judge: *banging gavel* guilty
me: *twirling my hair* of being too handsome?
judge: *giving me a little kiss on the cheek* of murder
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
My guardian angel deserves a raise
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
[laying in bed]
Wife: I’d rather chew on aluminum foil while listening to Nickelback
Me: …a simple, “I have a headache” would’ve been fine
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
My Secret Santa gave me a McDonald’s gift card because they took one look at me.
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Kids playing baseball in the backyard really hits home. Usually on a window.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
[wife gets home & sees shit on the rug]
What’s this?“It was Rover he w..”
*dog makes throat slice gesture*“It was me. I shit on the rug”
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Teens will open a kitchen cabinet and act shocked that there are no bowls, like they don’t know that every bowl you own is in their room.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
If your job doesn’t have a dress code, start wearing scrubs to it. Don’t say anything just do it and don’t answer any questions about it either
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
Just received a thank-you card from someone I sent a thank-you card to. Oh, it’s on.
Police officer: You get to make one phone call.
Me: Do I have to?
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
no regrets
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
Apparently hospitals are not the best place to start unplugging things so you can charge your iPhone.