Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
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If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
“get your shit together” is my favorite weird expression of something no one would ever do, but everyone totally agrees is great advice.
I farted alone in a room and then my girlfriend’s dad came in. Now I have to pretend like something is dead in the walls and help him look.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
My daughter, who is 12 and can read: oh my, look at all the tiny apples
All the tiny apples:
Legalize drugs. Criminalize dumbasses.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
In dog beers I’ve only had 2.
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.
Establish dominance by signing every office card with Happy Birthday, regardless of the topic.
I THINK I DRANK TOO MUCH SWEET TEA AND I’M SO AWAKE AND NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO BE AWAKE AND YOU KNOW WHAT I HAVEN’T DONE IN A WHILE, LUNGES!!
gf: remember, my dad’s really into sports, so talk to him about that
me: will do
[later, meeting girlfriend’s parents]
me: so, sir, jen tells me you’re really into sports
her dad: that’s right
me: why
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
Him: Can you turn on the wifi?
Me: *does a seductive dance in front of the router*
Frantically searches office for glasses that have been on top of my head all along
While I was out picketing my dog unlocked a new skill and figured out how to steal the cat’s food so now he doesn’t get a midday snack because he already HAD one so now everybody at my house is mad and that is why this strike needs to end, your honor.
I’m not afraid to go to prison I really need a vacation
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
ME: How much for the dehydrated otter?
PET STORE OWNER: That’s a weasel
Life advice: Your bark may be worse than your bite but you really shouldn’t bark at people either.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Always wanted to call people who don’t like astronomy “Galactos Intolerant”
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted