How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
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I miss lying to closest friends about where i am on my transit journey
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
If by putting clean sheets on my bed you mean I piled unfolded clean sheets on my bed and then used them as a cuddle buddy for a week, then yes, I put new sheets on my bed.
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
If anyone else mentions how tiny I am today I will bite their ankles
I’m keeping an eye on the cult headquarters, call that compound interest
Welcome to Yoga class. You’ll slowly ease into half splits, and then you’ll remain there for the rest of your life.
I remember when I was younger and I picked this girl up from her house, her dad answered the door and was like “have her back by 2200 hours” and I didn’t know military time but I was ok at maths and was like “sure, see you in 3 months”
restaurant owner: you start on monday
me: I can’t wait
restaurant owner: I don’t think this will work out then
My cat just started kneading my back in bed and I said “not now” so wish us luck we’re officially married.
Wife: Heading up to bed *winks*
[30 min later]
Wife: …where is he?
Me: (laying perfectly still in floral camo that matches the sheets)
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
I screamed into the void and the void threw a toaster at me.
Unless you want to be immortalized as a sloth don’t let someone take your picture after you eat 2 dozen wings
-Buddha
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
Twitter has ruined me.
Just wrote “we’ll deliver your load on time” for a transportation client and broke into peals of laughter.
What should we call this giant advertising board?
PHIL: A philboard
BILL: I have a better idea
Question – what’s the dumbest thing you did as a kid?
Me- Wished I was an adult
it is 1424. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 1724. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
it is 2024. we live in hovels and discuss the fate of the princess. meat is too expensive.
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Daylight Saving Time starts this evening, turn your clocks forward and change smoke alarm batteries before going to bed tonight.
My wife is mad that my daughter is crying in this restaurant but she should be mad that our daughter is so bad at tic-tac-toe that I’ve beaten her 24 times in a row.
i bet all the girls say “i bet you say that to all the girls” to all the guys.
Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.
Daddy! Tell me a story..
The Tooth Fairy is really a wicked witch, who takes all your teeth if you sleep with your mouth open.
Good night.
Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.