According to legend, if you see a spider on Halloween, it’s actually the spirit of a loved one watching over you. So I guess if you see a ghost on Halloween, it’s actually a spider. Confusing but good information to have on hand.
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I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
wife *resting after surgery*
me
wife
me [holding flowers and a Transformers birthday balloon] They didn’t have any that said “Get Well Soon”
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
When you spill the batter all over the counter it’s pancakke.
On 3. Ready? One. Two. Three.
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
*Both show rock
Again!
Caveman: This game is stupid.
Cellmate: what did you do?
Me: robbed a bank.
Cellmate: nice! how’d you get caught?
Me: [lights a cig and takes a long drag]
I stopped to put all the money facing the same way.
I came home to a trail of bread leading to the bedroom & of course I followed, only to find my husband in bed with 10 ducks. I’m heartbroken
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.
her: I’m sick of you being so positive all the time. I’m leaving you
me: yes, it’s for the best
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
The nurse said take everything off except bra and panties, but all I have under my dress is a tampon string I wish I could pull to parachute right outta here
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘effusive’
“E-F-F-U-S-I-V-E”
That is correct. What was your name?
“It’s Siv”
I know lmao [hi5s other judge]
Years ago I went to a job placement agency.
I left disappointed.
Apparently nobody offers temp work as an astronaut.
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
My doctor told me to try a milk bath. Adding the Cinnamon Toast Crunch was my idea
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
me: [staring at myself in the mirror, trying to figure out who i truly am]
my reflection: soooooo what are we
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Being betrayed by a friend is sad but being betrayed by your food is devastating
Apparently being half naked on a conference call is especially not appropriate when it’s the left half.
I feel a special bond w/ ppl that always pop up in my ‘May Know’ Facebook window. Like u see me,I see u &we’ve both agreed not to be friends
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
How come when gods have sex with mortals none of the offspring ends up just being something like a really good accountant?
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
[inventing video games]
i wanna be lazy but with a purpose
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
“Age ain’t nothing but a number.” Bro, age is a word.
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Just spent 45 minutes on the treadmill – tomorrow I think I’ll actually turn it on!