@quikkim: Who called them "priests" instead of "weapons of mass instruction"?
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@krisv_723: *At hospital visiting a patient. Pulls emergency cord in bathroom* Nurse: What's the emergency ma'am? Me: This toilet paper is on backwards.
@RuinMyWeek: Nurse: "It says here you're lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?" Me: "No. I just really, really can't stand polos with crocodiles on them."
@FattMernandez: A giant rabbit died on a United flight. One man is suspected of foul play. We tried to reach him for comment but he's being vewy vewy quiet.