Who called them “priests” instead of “weapons of mass instruction”?
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Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
knights of the ikea table
do weddings actually cost like $50,000 or is everyone lying for fun
Never once in my life have I found a pen when I need it, so please explain to me why my toddler always has a pen in her hands.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
My 1YO hit my 5YO with his toy so she got upset and asked me if we can return him to the hospital and pick up a “nicer kid”.
Friend: are you ready for our hike?
Me: *filling my camelback with french onion soup* just about
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
Saw a woman on a dating site who says she’s looking for God. I’m thinking she’s not His type.
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
*weighs self after shaving
Once in college this guy was like ‘is it ok to do laundry if you don’t have enough for a full load?’ So I showed him the ‘small’ setting on the washer and he started it up, added soap and then a single pair of socks
“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
She was REALLY feeling it.
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “A flat tire”.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
stop
It actually only takes girls 5 minutes to get ready, the rest of the time we’re just smooshing our boobs together and posing in the mirror.
Mediums are on the decline because no one from the past wants to talk to us anymore
My husband: *finishes vacuuming*
Me: *asserts dominance, by maintaining eye contact with him while handing the kids a bag of crackers*
[1 AM]
BRAIN: Let’s play the insomnia game.
ME: Nope. *downs NyQuil*
BRAIN: How dare you…
ME: *drifts off*
BRAIN: Begin diarrhea subroutine!
[Calls Ex-Girlfriend]
Remember all those hair-ties and Bobby pins you lost? Well, I found all 5,000 while moving.
One of my greatest joys in life is when Jeff calls the vet to make an appointment and they ask for his name, and he says, Jeff. Then, they ask for our cat’s name, and I watch him gather his strength before he tells them, Baby Jeff.