Who cares about the new GTA when you can sit down and enjoy the new testament
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BRAIN: it’s 4am u up?
ME: leave me alone
B: who was our grade 5 teacher?
M: stop
B: why’s our eye itchy?
M: I’m ignoring u
B: engage bladder
Apparently everyone in this Court room doesn’t want to play Duck Duck Goose……Excuse me for trying to lighten up this murder trial.
Me: Congrats! I heard you got married again
Her: Sorry I didn’t invite you. It was a small ceremony
Me: Its ok. I’ll go to your next one
[death row]
GUARD: Ok, here’s your last meal. Bon appétit.
CAT: *slowly pushes meal off table*
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
A fun, gender neutral thing to call your partner: FOOLISH MORTAL
What do you mean I didn’t win I ate more wet t-shirts than anyone else
[at the vets]
He’s really bad. He can’t fly.
“He’s a cat though.”
[very sarcastically] oh I’m sorry is this the vets or the excuses clinic?
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Treat her right or Pete Davidson will.
Her: You know I love it when you pull my hair…
Me: Yes, baby
Her: But the other people at this PTA meeting are beginning to stare.
6yo’s can’t go to jail so I have no idea why this one’s refusing to drive me home from the pub.
What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
It’s settled. I’m measuring everything in comparison to the size of an American alligator.
Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
Customer: can you help me?
Me: whoa hey look lady, I just work here okay?
what if plants could talk but they are still in shock from seeing the dinosaurs
My kids: Papa, we’re pretending we are hurricanes!
Me: What do you mean by pretending?
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Boss: ok just bear with me
*I growl and start clawing the air*
B: wtf are you doing
Me: I..You said..
B:first ‘snail mail’ now this..Just go
Employee: Sir you’ve been in that changing room for half an hour, what are you doing?
Me: *Crying* WAITING FOR IT TO WORK
Why do paintings of Adam and Eve show them with belly buttons?
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
I’m just a girl, with a baseball bat, smashing my internet modem into a gazillion pieces.