@SteveSuckington: Who cares about throwing stones? How do people in glass houses hide when somebody knocks on the door?
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@jessokfine: How are you supposed to buy a gift for your mom as an adult? It's like, oh you gave birth to me? Please enjoy this fancy candle.
@northcoastkevin: [gets pulled over by the cops] Cop: sir, you need to have 2 or more people in your vehicle to drive the HOV lane. Me: check the trunk.
@VintageBabe1212: Decided to stop partying at friends houses who have toddlers... Those childproof bathroom doorknobs are absolutely hell to open while drunk.
@jonnysun: "the names bond, james bond" [5 min later] STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple