I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
You Might Also Like
Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he’s being told where to deliver the ransom money.
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
The fact that there’s gonna be a Joker 2 just means Batman isn’t doing his god damn job
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
my 10 year old is a school safety and he instructed the 5 year olds where to stand to wait for the bus and one turned to him and said “you’re not my dad!” and another immediately yelled “burrrrrrn!!”
i don’t think we are even close to prepared for this next generation
therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
“thank you for your order, I’ll push it off the edge of the counter when it’s ready”
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
My toddler keeps running over and yelling “BOO!” in my face.
It’s totally unnecessary, though. I’ve been completely terrified of him since the day he was born.
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
I live in the U.S. so my doctor is booked until April 2023 but five local morticians are available to see me today.
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
“Why do old people keep getting scammed by phone calls?” wonders a generation that just sent a headshot and access to the data stored on their iPhones to a company they’ve never heard of before
Just overheard someone say they found $100 in a coat pocket they must have forgotten about from last year. Let me tell you something if I ever lost $100 I wouldn’t forget. People would see me coming and say “there’s that guy that won’t shut up about losing $100.”
[math class]
ME: today we’ll learn about [gestures to number on whiteboard] the tenths place
STUDENT: what’s the point?
ME: good question, what is the point of any of this? we’re all gonna die anyway
STUDENT: I mean in that number
ME: oh, that’s the decimal
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.
Every time.
me: I think my hippo might be dying
vet: sir, that’s a really really fat horse
me: BECAUSE IT ATE MY HIPPO
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster