Who cares if you break a damn mirror. If you think 7 years of bad luck is hell, try breaking a condom.
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Hi everyone, welcome to Motorboat Club. Let’s get started on some sailing basics.
*Man in back row throws brochure on ground and storms out*
This hot girl asked me to recommend some music so i said Pink Floyd, she said “I didn’t know Pink used her last name as well” Now she’s dead
If my calculator had a history, it would be more embarrassing than my browser history
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I just bought a couple of Christmas presents and got a text from my bank like, “Bro, what are you doing?”
*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
Darth: You should not have come back, old man.
Obi Wan: I DIDN’T. I was going to Alderaan. You caught our ship with a tractor beam. Idiot.
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
My university sends requests for money four times a year, so I send them my face in a dog filter.
Amazon: Based on your purchases we think you’ll love this.
Me: First of all how dare you attack me with this accuracy I need a large please.
I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes, now I have Heinz sight
Why am I like this?
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
Accidentally texted “Olay” instead of “Okay” and now my text has a smooth, youthful look.
What’s the best way to commemorate the 500th episode of your podcast and why is it throwing yourself into an active volcano?
if you come out with us you can’t lie about making your own soup
“those days are behind me”[girl at bar 45 mins later] oh cool, what kind?
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
The only wisdom that comes with age is knowing which stores have the nicer restrooms.
Top Tip: Don’t name your kids after places, objects or things you see on the internet
Me: Sorry son, it seemed like a good idea at the time
I appreciate people venturing into entrepreneurship but is it really necessary to call yourself CEO when your firm is total of 3 people?
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
Establish dominance by walking around a Spirit Halloween dressed as Santa Claus.
I wonder if the disciples got mad when Jesus got promoted to god like,
disciple 1: who did he have to heal to get this job?
disciple 2: his dad owns the company