Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
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if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
My work here is done
*Adorns new baby with:
Infinity scarf
Leggings
Uggs
Bottle of pumpkin spice latte*They said if her basic needs were met she wouldn’t cry!
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
National Donut Day is like The Purge for delicious, round pastries.
When you drive by a cop car and wonder if you did rob a bank and just forgot about it
Boy, are you a yellow sports car because I am embarrassed to be seen with you but I am very pleased with your performance.
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
[Gets shot by mugger]
Girl walks by: omg are u ok?
I’m dying [sees she isn’t wearing a ring] I mean I’m fine but not as fine as you, sup?
7 had questions about periods so I answered as best as I could and when I told her they happen every month, she burst into tears which is the appropriate response.
sorry I’m late. I tripped on my cat and so had to kiss him for 45 minutes
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.
[praying in church]
Please God let church end early
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
[uber driver dropping me off at the gym] see you back here in five minutes
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
I gave artisanal crisps a chance, because they’re crisps. But I am done with these crackpot flavours now. “Gravel steamed wildebeest and okra”. “Startled jellyfish with air”. “Pancake and moss”. “Thoughts of turnip”. “Boastful earwig on a bible”. Enough is enough
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
Come back with a warrant
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!
Clipity clop, BANG!-Amish drive by
First date Idea.
We tag team wrestle another couple.
I wish all tests were things you peed on
if you just show up to a delivery room in scrubs and carry a videocamera you can usually film like 7 or 8 births before they throw you out
Cough drops are perfect for when you want the cough you’ve had for three days to stop for 60 seconds and then come right back.
no one should have to work on Sundays till you pull up to the Taco Bell and it’s dark inside
james[jesus’ brother]: i need off my bro passed away
boss: gotcha man
[3 days later]
james: i need off my brothers in town
boss: now hold on
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge