@bourgeoisalien: Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You're about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
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@shadygrenade: Magician: an ordinary deck of cards right? Guy in front row: that's a ham. Magician: [whispers to assistant] get eagle eyes out of here.
@turtledumplin: Boss left his email open. Me: *looks around, send email to district manager "i love you" Now we wait
@AtticusFinch79: Attention Walmart Shoppers - There is someone dressed Appropriately in Aisle 12