Who cares if you have regrets on your death bed. You’re about to die. I have regret everyday and have like another 40 years of this garbage
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Director: Ok, this time you have to say the butter part
Owen Wilson: wow
Director: The whole thing Owen, “Wow, I can’t believe it’s not butter”
Owen Wilson: wow
Someone at the grocery store yelled “space” dramatically, and I responded with “the final frontier,’ and now I need a new grocery store.
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
*interrupts your heartfelt story*
Oh NOW I hear your New York accent!! Say “dying wish” again!Ok now say “coffee”!
Note from 5yo:
“I need help with my meth.”
I think she means math. Either way, asking for help is the first step, so good for her.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
“He died doing what he loved…”
I’m not dead
“Interrupting my jokes”
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Thoughts and prayers for my starving teens suffering from fridge and pantry blindness
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
[House Hunters]:
Hi I’m a tree enthusiast and my partner collects stamps. Our budget is 6 million dollars
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Remember when you used Twitter to update friends & family on where you were, & what you were doing?
Yeah, me neither.
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet