Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
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getting carded isn’t cute anymore. look at my face buddy we both know i’m not here to have fun. hand over the substances
Wife: Who’s your favorite mom?
4-year-old: You!
Me: Who’s your favorite dad?
4: Mom.
So close.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
A lot of childhood characters weren’t so much beloved as there wasn’t anything else on the tv
You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?
That.
Facebook: People trying to save the world one uneducated post at a time
[counseling]
She gets angry a lot
“He took me camping and left me in the middle of nowhere”
YOU SAID YOU LIKED SURVIVOR, KAREN
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
Her ankles were strong & sturdy, keeping her feet attached to her legs at all times. She had the eyebrows of a livid mechanic.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Me *points gun at clerk*: stick ’em up!! Put Algebra 25 and *looks at college syllabus* Psychology 15 in the backpack!
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
Reporter: *ports again*
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
went into the office today to catch up w my boss and he was like “i can tell you’re really intelligent” couldnt work up the courage to tell him its just a little bit of psychology and pretending to look focused while he talks 80% of the time
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
people who clap when the plane lands are insufferable i only clap when the plane takes off and whenever someone exits the restroom
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
cat lawyer slowly pushing the opposing lawyer’s evidence off the courtroom table
If I ever go missing, put up fliers saying I left a dog in a hot car so people will actually look for me.
“WHEN ARE U DUE?” WHAT DIFFERENCE COULD IT POSSIBLY MAKE IN YOUR LIFE AS A STRANGER AT THE GROCERY STORE
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
He pulls a gun and demands my wallet
I slowly pull down my t-shirt collar, revealing a shark-tooth necklace
Trembling, he backs away slowly
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
Today’s weather from Yorkshire