Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
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It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
Your Twitter audience
Expectations vs. Reality
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
DATE: what’s with the tattoo?
ME: that’s Alcatraz
DATE: “prison tats” are not normally of the actual prison building
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
Me: one taco without strawberries
Taco Bell guy: strawberries?
Me: no thank you
CEO: what’s the store layout
me: sick people will walk to the very back for prescriptions
CEO: ok
me: cigarettes will be right up front
CEO: first of all I love it
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
*bites zombie*
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
The Burger King is good at heart, but his advisors deceive him.
First pedicure of the season…my nail technician took one look and started stretching
today a banana gave me heartburn and all i’m saying is m&ms don’t do that shit
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
If any of you have 3 hours to kill our youngest has a great story about how she picked her favorite color.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Him: Where’d you get your red hair from?
Me: A box.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
SPLOOT
well. like. what the hell does that leave me with then i mean cmon