chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
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The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
Customer: where might I find chicken livers?
Me: on the inside
Update: Gingerbread men are actually incredibly slow and delicious
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
lifehack: you don’t have to be a cicada to burrow underground and then emerge and start yelling
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
I tried to contact Joan Rivers through my ouija board, and a message came back: “If I wasn’t already dead, your outfit would’ve killed me”.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
In England, all swans legally belong to the queen.
Geez, I always pictured her as a cat lady.
I spend a lot of time looking at new recipes for someone who regularly burns instant noodles
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
My mom’s favorite part of Mother’s Day is describing my birth in detail to an 18 year old waitress who is just there to get our drink order.
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
Was Earth Day something that happened by accident or did somebody planet?
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Anakin: I built my droid from scratch
Obi-Wan: You’re a prodigy, I bet you’ll use this skill your whole life
Anakin: Nah just until I win space NASCAR then never again lol
[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier
My neighbours aren’t used to being at home all day, and they’re arguing a lot. This morning I heard them continually yelling “shut up!” at each other every time I took a break from bagpipe practice.
*dramatically gets out of bean bag chair for 20 minutes*
Every time the grocery baggers ask if I want help to my car, I feel like telling them yes and climbing in the cart.
*helping son with math problem*
[hour later]
JUST WRITE 75 GODDAMMIT!
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
HER: what do u do for fun?
ME:*thinks about how i break into homes to pet cats* i guess u could say i commit petty crimes