ME: I need help losing weight. I’ve tried everything.
NARRATOR: He hadn’t tried anything at all. Nothing.
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*Slides down your chimney*
*Straightens all your pictures*
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
Instead of onlyfans I spend all my money on onlyfood
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
Guy at the Supermarket: Excuse me sir, do you want to donate to Diabetes?
Me: No, thank you. I’m opposed to Diabetes.
7: so those people think belle is weird because she’s walking around?
me: i guess so
7: and because she likes books?
me: um…yeah
7: but at least she’s pretty right?
me: …let’s watch moana instead
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
The perfect tattoo doesn’t exi…
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
Pennywise “I have alcohol down here”
*All of Twitter goes missing*
Me: You want to explain to me your presentation before you do it in class?
Kid: No mumma it will take too long for you to understand.
Instead of premarital counseling, engaged couples should be required to do a premarital home renovation project.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
Cutest fight ever.. 😊
*locks my car while looking suspiciously at a little old white lady*
I want my kid to be sociable, but I don’t know where I expect him to inherit that from.
He’s eating a burger and fries all nom nom nom and I’m over here eating a salad all non non non.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
Sharks. Alligators. Cockroaches. I hate em all.
Any animal that hasn’t changed in millions of years is clearly up to something.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
{Date}
ME: I have to warn you, I’m the jealous type
WAITER: What would you folks like?
HER: I’ll have the s-
ME: WHO THE HELL IS THIS GUY?!?
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
To the person who left the green Tupperware in the fridge, it was last seen moving down the hall towards the elevator.
Thinking outside the box.. 😅
[Pharrell eating at Arby’s]
“I want a new look”
Like a new hair cut?
“Something crazier”
*notices the hat in the Arby’s logo*
“I’ve got it!”
Welcome to your 40s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.