4-year-old: Why does the dog pee on stuff?
Me: It’s like writing his name on it.
4: So I-
Me: YOU HAVE TO USE PENCILS.
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that’s exactly what a haunted chair WOULD say
Carl: What a cute dog! Does he know any tricks?
Dog: Shut up, Carl
Carl: Wow! How did he learn to talk?
Me: Shut up, Carl
Me: Omg all the kids are asleep! I can finally sit and relax!
Dog: Yeah. About that. *pukes all over living room*
* deletes account
*reactivates
AND, ONE MORE THING…
No wonder chickens can’t fly
STOP EATING THEIR WINGS
Me: maybe we should let it live
Captain Ahab: *turning harpoon on me* what?
Me: uh I-I just don’t think this obsession is worthwhale
Ahab: …ha
Me: haha
Ahab: hahaha worthWHALE oh jeez
Me: haha whew *realizing I’m bleeding* when did you shoot
Ahab: oh like immediately
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
You’re 35 weeks pregnant and gonna make me do math?
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
When I pack too much for a short trip.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
[Knock at door]
MAN: Hello I’m here to talk about Jesus Christ!! Sorry, a spider landed on me. I’m here to talk about bondage
ME: Do come in
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Men and women CAN be just friends. But only if one of them is ugly.
When we go back to in-person office meetings, I’m going to start out by soundlessly moving my lips until people yell at me, just for continuity.
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Pandas 🐼🖤
Every time my dentist is kind enough to tell me I need to floss, I am kind enough to tell him that he needs to trim his nostril hairs.
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember