Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
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Husband; Who was at the door?
Me: The neighbors. They invited us over for drinks later. They said to come by at 6:37.
Husband: Do you think they meant 6:30? 7?
Me:
Husband:
Me: Yeah, that does make more sense.
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
15: I smell upsexy.
Me: What the hell is upsexy?
15: Not much. What’s up with you?
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
woman who cleans my house: ugh. this place is filthy
also me: lady i’m doing my best
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
[sermon]
There will come a day when Christ will drive out evil from our land, and it will be the Judgment Day!
*T-1000 shifts nervously*
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
Greese be like we go together like shamalamghwejghsdiuoeqwhgiwjrsdkhjkgwidjskbgfiuegkajsfkj
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
Having a toddler is a great way to find out how much milk your tennis shoe will hold
My boss tasked us with finding new and inventive ways to be productive while we work from home. So I tied a piece of string to my mouse and pull it every few minutes to keep my computer from going idle while I nap on the couch. I’ve never been more “productive” in my life.
Seems a lot like 2021 keeps asking, “What would 2020 do?”
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
In high school, I was voted Most Likely To Keep Bringing Up Past Achievements.
My kids re playing Frozen
4 is Anna
6 is Elsa
11 apparently is Sven
Hubs and I are the dead parents so at least we can just lay around and still be considered playing along
people always love to claim that a celebrity’s death is “unexpected” but they never actually release the data on which celebrities they expected to die that day
I am not on a plant based diet but my lungs are
I walk around my yard with a fake neck tattoo so my neighbors will not ask me to watch their kids.
me: *easily carrying 20 grocery bags* hi 😉
her: are those empty
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
earth: I’m dying
humans: I’m sorry you feel that way
My Twitter bio was too long so I’m putting it here
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly