@MomOfTeen: Who decided that we should sit together in groups while we chew food?
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@MichaelLarrick: I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I'm cool.
@hazelmotes1: Having daughters is great if you want to get yelled at every time you hit a butterfly with your car.
@eXentRic_: Excuse me waiter, I'm in a bit of a hurry, do you have something that has already been Instagrammed?
@pleatedjeans: Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime? Girlfriend: honey he can't even commit to this relationship Entire jury: OH SNAP