Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
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Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Once again I find myself online shopping for a velvet cloak at 4am. But fear not, me. one day you will be online shopping for something else at 4am whilst wearing a beautiful velvet cloak.
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
Roommate: If you continue stealing my kitchen utensils I will move out!
Me: That’s a whisk I’m willing to take 🙂
ME: I sit when I pee. What’s the big deal?
JELLYFISH STING VICTIM: Nothing I guess.
*rubs lamp/genie appears*
*makes me listen to ads before each wish*
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
11:30pm is the time each night when I ask myself the ancient question of the universe: what if I just ate everything
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
Sweetie if I was fake, I would pretend to be someone awesome and not a lonely weirdo.
A wise man once said nothing.
20 years ago I dreamed of traveling the world.
Now I dream of my kids actually getting dressed when they go upstairs to get dressed.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
Me: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: how do you like it
Me: idk I haven’t eaten it yet
Just found Elf on the Shelf in the bottom of my lingerie drawer. This explains so many things
[first date]
HER: So, tell me about yourself.
ME: *staring at my phone* Well for starters, I like to mind my own goddamn business.
Panty-less waxed woman hanging off a bridge “I’m gonna jump into that canoe”. Me: “No that’s your reflection”.
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
Whenever I am with my family and someone says, “Wow, you have a beautiful family!” I reply, “Well, we left the ugly ones at home.”
Who called it “asking for sex” and not “pitchfork”
How far is it from the Earth to the sun?
10 CVS receipts.
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving