I love how girls say that they like a guy with a sense of humour and yet you’ll never find a poster of Mr Bean on their wall.
You Might Also Like
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
describing stardew valley
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
I’d be a terrible coroner. My reports would say something like: Subject is 44yo male. Cause of death, asphyxiation. Nice jaw. One unruly eyebrow. Strong hands. Excellent manscaping. We probably would have been great friends, possibly lovers. 8/10 stars.
Judge: how do you plead?
Guy: well usually to my wife
Judge: haha I feel ya brother, bailiff please fist-bump the defendant
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My stomach just made a really weird noise. I’m sending a pizza down to check it out.
Doc: Let’s check your reflexes.
Me: I have the reflexes of a cat.
Doc: *hits my knee with a hammer*
Me: MEOW! *scratches Doc’s eyes out*
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
that colleague who touches your screen
If you love someone, let them go. If they don’t come back, detonate the explosive collar.
If a coworker asks to borrow your pen – sniff it and say, “I think this one is safe” and see if they’ll take it from your hand.
The honesty is refreshing
My parents wouldn’t buy insect repellent, yet they bought enough Calamine lotion to cover the mosquito bites of an entire neighborhood of children. I didn’t ask why. I just walked around with pink spots for 14 years of my life.
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
My vocabulary can beat your vocabulary’s ass, arse, bum, buttocks, rear end, booty, backside, tush, tuckus and badonkadonk.
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it
INTERVIEWER: What are your skills?
BATMAN: I right things.
I: What do you write?
B: I Right People’s Wrongs.
I: Oh so you’re an editor?
You can teach a man to lead a fish to water but you can’t make him drink a horse
My favorite part about the teenage mutant ninja turtles is that they felt the need to wear masks so people would not recognize them at their regular jobs
I told my 6yo that if he was tidying up the living room that he didn’t need to go straight to bed. He spent 10 minutes tidying up and thinks I let him stay up later. Looks like we both won tonight.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
Dear Son-I apologize for ruining your life by asking you to put your dishes in the dishwasher!
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers