Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.
Don’t over-share.HI I’M A NERVOUS POOPER.
… Nailed it!
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ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Me: What are you doing?
Wife: One of those online trivia things…tells you what Disney Princess you are.
Me: I’ll save you the trouble…You’re whichever one is Frozen.
Wife:
Husband to me:
If you can’t sleep, turn off your damn cell phone!Husband Awake in bed at 2am on his cell phone:
What?! I can’t sleep.
day 1: dear diary i have been stranded on a desert island
day 18: im starting to think that help will never come
day 120: i was rescued by a couple fishermen!
day 121: i have been dropped back off on the island because i kept saying “thank cod u guys found me” to the fishermen
I haven’t worn a trench coat since a random man in his 60s said to me “what are you looking for detective” 😭😭
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
GOD- “I will send a plague that will kill all living things on earth”
*Fish slip the LORD a $20*
“On second thought how about a flood?”
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
My husband doesn’t worry about me cheating because he knows I hate everyone.
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
CASHIER: have a nice day
ME: how
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
*walks into door on street, looks around*
Whew…no one saw me…One year later…
*watching TV*
*sees self on Funniest Videos*
KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok
My Body: we’re hungover
Me: but I didn’t drink anything
My Body: I don’t make the rules
@PawAndPups @SussexDetective Lol reminds me of this 👇🏾
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
Teacher: Name the five senses
Me: Uh lessee, touch,
uhm…taste…gimme a sec. Uhm whimsy…uh- balance… and fashionTeacher:
Me: *counting on fingers* What?
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
my fitness goal is for people to stop adding “for your age” after “you look great”
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
I tried bringing sexy back, but it scratched me, scampered away, and hid under a car.
Ninja turtle: we’re huge mutated turtles we need disguises
Splinter: ok here’s a strip of cloth with eye holes cut out