@Deirdreocx: Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
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@Tommytoughstuff: [High school reunion] Hey guys! Remember me!? "No" How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head* (in unison) CHRIS!
@AaronFullerton: Actors can get political in speeches if they want. Go for it. But imagine someone winning Wimbledon & going, "Yay! I won! Save the whales!"
@AtticusFinch79: [first date] Him: What are you passionate about? Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy. Him: Animals? Me: Haha. Sure...
@BubbleNuggets2u: I could've sworn there was less grunting and moaning the last time I put these pants on... Maybe the donut in my mouth muffled it