Who decided to call them a personal trainer and not a gym reaper?
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i don’t get why IDs expire as proof of identification. ima always be me, right? right???? what does the govt know that i don’t
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
whoever you are. wherever you are. bring back our tupperware.
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
My efforts to lose weight are starting to pay off. I gained only three pounds this month.
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
this isn’t as bad as i thought it was going to be.
-my 12yo complimenting dinner
I’ll love you until the end of the egg timer.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
[first day as hotdog vendor] I’m sorry, these are not for sale
Communication during co-parenting is essential.
My kids are now getting a total of 22 phone chargers in their stockings.
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
I was slicing leftover ham as my kids were watching Peppa Pig and I was momentarily very sorry
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
[prison]
me: I think I’m breaking out
cell mate: no way that’s insane
me: I know my skin is usually like never this bad
After 7 years of training in the medical fields & hard work,a very good friend of mine was fired after one minor indiscretion.He slept with a client&can now no longer work in the profession.What a waste.A genuinely nice guy&an absolutely brilliant mortician.
*somehow manages to beep at you sarcastically*
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
New mindset, who dis?
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em