Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
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Friend: How do you keep ending up in these situations?!
Me: *slowly pokes head out of dumpster*
My daughter: I know everything
Me: What’s the capital of brazil?
My daughter: that’s a secret
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
12. I think about this all the damn time
Psychic: *rubbing temples* You want to know if your wife’s trying to murder you
Me: How’d you know?
P: *sees knife in my back* I’m good
A super moon is just like a regular moon except Lois Lane doesn’t recognize it when it’s wearing horn rimmed glasses
For valentine’s day, I’m taking my wife to see “50 Shades”.
How long is the movie? I need to know what time to pick her up.
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
I refused to buy 9yo a polished stone at the store to go with the rocks she found on the way into the store, and let’s just say our relationship is a little rocky right now.
Text:
Me: I want you to know I love you from the depths of my soul. You are my essence & the reason I live. With you, I am whole.
Her: K
Hey everyone, welcome to Simon Says club. Please have a seat.
*sigh* Looks like we have some work to do
Preacher: CAN I GET AN AMEN?!?
Me: [from back row] MAY you get an amen
The early bird gets the worm but the early worm gets eaten, so… I choose sleep.
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
“Do people really become like their pets?” I wonder, absentmindedly raising a leg above my head and staring into space.
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
Guten Morgen. What do you call an angry German mob?
Sauer crowd.
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
I want to know what ideas were so bad that “horny cows” made it on the billboard
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
I will marry a woman if she knows homer is Not a Simpson and Plato is Not clay