Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
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every day new twt alternatives pop up and then i look away for an hour and everyone is like btw krungle steals from artists for ai and btw ive already deleted my fringle account for reasons obvious cause youre out of the loop but dont sign up cause that also deletes your quorble
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
The low whispered oinking of the haunted ham awakens you at 4am, the hamming hour.
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Free will was a mistake.
I should have charged for it.
i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
*checking email on my phone while shoveling handfuls of sea salt and cracked black pepper potato chips into my mouth
YESSSSS! Finally got my unread emails to 100.000! Weird how there’s three zeros after that decimal point but whateve…
Oh
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
How actors in movies eat their food
interviewer: what’s the first thing people notice about you when you enter a room?
me: have i run in screaming? probably the screaming
interviewer: no screaming
me: then it’s my calm demeanor
Me, trying to fit in with friends, who are new parents,
“Wow, your baby does very good babying!”
I’m only watching the royal wedding for the bishop. I’ve always wanted to see a person who only moves diagonally.
Debit card was repeatedly declined at the grocery store today. I was trying to buy vegetables so the bank just assumed the card was stolen
Me: *gestures to the bellhop to take my bags to my room*
Vanilla Ice: Yo man, I don’t work here
M: *slips him a five*
VI: Right away sir
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
Leonardo DiCaprio is totally getting laid tonight! This has nothing to do with the Oscar, just a safe assumption to make each and every day.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
[Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: This isn’t exactly a glowing reference
ME: You’re supposed to read it in the dark stupid
Don’t snitch tag.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.
Going commando is the closest I’ll ever get to joining the army.
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom