Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
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Shout out to the guy behind me flashing red & blue lights.
I’m Phoenician, as in, “Nobody better stop me from Phoenician all of these donuts.”
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
eye doctor: please read the top line
me: have you recently been injured in the workplace? do you lack legal represen— is this an ad
eye doctor: look, i need to make money somehow; keep reading
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
roommate: has she met your dog yet
me: no, but i dont see why they wouldnt get along
[gf walks in dressed like a mailman]
Shout out to the lady at the gym who just yelled into her phone ‘THE ONLY PROBLEM IN MY LIFE IS YOU BRIAN’; hung up and went right back to her workout
*skydiving with my friend who’s always bragging about being a vegetarian. we pull our ripcords & his parachute deploys but a bunch of lettuce, tomatoes & diced cucumbers fly out of mine. i yell to him as i fall away*
HMM, VERY INTERESTING. SO, SALADS ACTUALLY CAN BE BAD FOR YOU
Nurse: What happened to your FINGERS?
Me: You know those chefs who cut up vegetables real fast?
N: Yes?
M: I can’t do that.
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
Responding to all selfies with “this should work.”
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Friend: Have you ever had an epiphany?
Me: Is it a little chocolate candy?
Friend: No.
Me: Then, no.
Don’t put up a tire swing unless you hunted and killed that car yourself. Show some respect.
I could finish folding this laundry much faster if the cat would stop “helping”!
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
British people this week:
“Ooh it’s too hot for me”
“Enjoy it while it lasts!”
Ssshhh be quiet, I just found another endangered species.
as is their right
“Sorry, that was my bad.”
“Your bad what?”
“No. I’m just sayin’: Sorry. My bad.”
“You’re bad at completing an apologetic sentence?”
“Yeah”
Find a man who pays attention to what you say as much as Google ads does
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
Vote for me and I promise to make fast food places put menus in a place where you can figure out what you want BEFORE you get to the window.
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
She wasn’t quite sure
Brad was a bit older
He seemed kind of shy
But she was much bolder
She asked him to dinner
“I’d love to” he told her
When she kissed him good night
Things started to smolder
But she ended it there
And gave the cold shoulder
When she got a ring
She’d be Anna
You’d think I’d lose weight just from carrying around this extra 40 pounds wherever I go.