Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
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[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Do people who eat sushi and sashimi know that fire was discovered?
my serotonin level is perusing other interests it seems.
Nephew just whispered something into a Cadbury Easter Bunny’s ears then broke off its head.
I’m sleeping with the lights on.
attention men: pls stop telling us you want to go down on us for “hours”. thats way too long. we have stuff to do. i’ve got a lasagne cookin
Yeah, I’m basically a Pokemaster.
*waves vaguely at shelves of confused squirrels in partially sealed Tupperware containers*
I only look at Wordle for the articles
*Interrupts your meltdown*
Where do you keep the good snacks!?
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Whoa there, pregnancy test. You just tell us yes or no and we’ll decide if it’s positive or negative.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
Thanksgiving implies that we spend 99.7% of the year ungrateful…
…speaking for my kids, this checks out.
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
Be careful of what you say online because future employers might see it and will probably want to start hanging out with you
If I were Australian I’d tweet “OMG Mayan zombies eating my brain.” Then sit back & cuddle a kangaroo & look super sexy while U.S. freaked.
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Today is the first day of the rest of your life and you’ve already screwed it up.
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
if I were Sleeping Beauty I would have killed the prince who woke me up
sure nickleback is great but have you guys ever heard of quarterback? they’re like 5 times better
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Mom: *points to my yearbook photo* What a nerd, right?
BF: Haha your hair!
Me: *quietly* It was raining the day we took faculty pictures
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
My mom shared an old picture of my brother and I on FB today. Wanted to make sure Debbie knew what was up.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.