Doctors say eating a piece of Bacon takes 9 mins off your life…if my math is correct i died in 1781
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I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Keep ignoring my texts and I swear to God I’ll leave a voicemail.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
I always dream of being a millionaire
like my uncle!… He’s dreaming too.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
(Gaming support cat.)
Creeper: ‘I know what you did last summer.’
Me: ‘And you think you can make it suck even more?’
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
interviewer: describe yourself in one word
me: great listener
Wife: *packing a bag*
Me: Where are you going?
W: I’m leaving you for my boss
M: Don’t go—
W: It’s too late, you can’t change my mind
M: —before I’ve written him a quick ‘Thank You & Good Luck’ note
W: I despise you
Twitter is like the tenth time you’ve opened the fridge and there still isn’t anything good in it.
Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
“But your honor, what about all the people my client didn’t kill?”
I was playing COD when me and this kid started arguing… then this kid started giggling, and said Wendy’s. Without thinking I said “Wendy’s?” I got hit with the loudest “Wendy’s balls hit your forehead bitch” Ive never left a lobby so fast in my life.
I’m so scared of shoplifters I immediately shoot anyone who walks into the store. I don’t even work here.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
These life hack videos are getting out of control like no I don’t want to make a life jacket out of an old peanut butter sandwich
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
[Social Media Addiction Club]
Hi, my name is Brenda, and I’m addicted to social media.
*no one looks up from their phone* Hi, Brenda.
“I wonder what’s on tv right now,” he thought 2002ishly.
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
They say, “stain proof,” I say “challenge accepted.”
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.