@FunRossGeller: WHO DID THIS?! 😂🙌🏼
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@XplodingUnicorn: 5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do? Me: 22. Wife: How many with witnesses? Me: Almost 1.
@XLCadillac: My two levels of drunk are 1) dancing with fat chicks at the club 2) smashing my neighbor's window thinking I locked myself out of my house.
@Playing_Dad: Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early? Me: Because we have had enough of you for today