he literally just said, “everyone’s saying i won the debate.”
is it possible…hear me out…trump has an imaginary friend named Everyone?
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You learn something new everyday. Yesterday I learned eating 29 SlimJims gives me diarrhea. Today I learned eating 28 also gives me diarrhea
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: why
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
Thinking about taking a picture with a number pinned to my shirt so it looks like I run marathons.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
Dear Britain,
This Brexit vote is all wrong
If you want to leave the EU, dump some tea in the harbor and fight a war.
Sincerely,
America
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Sometimes I have my shit together, sometimes I eat an unidentified white substance out of my hair and am grateful when it’s frosting.
the embarrassment of competing in a rap battle and finding out your opponent is your doctor who does not care about hipaa violations
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead
*stares into wormhole*
Whoa man, cool.
*gets slapped by worm*
Pervert!
*worm wiggles away*
[first day as doctor]
me: you haven’t been getting enough sleep
patient: how can you tell?
me: *tapping x-ray* no spiders
I wonder if bon jovi eventually made it the whole way there
My wife complains that she has a big ass, I just wish she would stop pointing at me when she says it.
Well my ex canceled the Spotify premium I was using which unfortunately means I am revoking her Dads access to my Disney +. Good guy. Hate to see him caught in the crossfire
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
[dog park meeting]
dog: we have confirmed reports that they’re hiding pills from us…
[low growls]
dog: IN THE CHEESE
[outraged barking]
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, I’M CHILL AF
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
It’s not difficult to tell crocodiles and alligators apart. One will see you in a while whereas the other will see you later.
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
Eggs benadryl my favourite
I’ll make you feel safe in that you’ll know you can outrun me if we are being chased by a murderer.
I try not to drink in the office because if the boss finds out he may ask me to share
My dad, a Canadian: “I can’t believe Americans turned a single meal into a five day holiday”