Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
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I’ve learned many things from working with younger people but one is that you can deliver some pretty terrible news followed by lol.
“Let’s give the bad guy a ponytail.” – 80s movies
14: How do you feel about people of color?
Me: What do you mean? The same I feel about everyone.
17: But you hate everyone.
14: Wow. Just flat out being racist at the dinner table.
Me: Please shut up.
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
My daughter just said, “I love you Mommy, you are beautiful like a pizza” and now I’m crying because that’s the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Me recordaron éste meme
Realizing im one of those people who peaked in high school because that was the last time an authority figure accused me of being a witch
The trick to successfully backing out of a parking space is to not care what happens to you or anyone else.
Don’t be rude, if the person in front of you in the Starbucks line isn’t concentrating, sweep the leg, step over them and keep the line moving
mortician: can you come ID the body
wife: what’s it wearing
mortician: just a pair of dress jorts
wife: anything in the pocket
mortician: chicken nugg-
wife: that’s him
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
White people only love Cinco de Mayo because it has mayo in it
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
I want to be the lady in the neighborhood that makes her neighbors slightly nervous…
“Did you see she bought a blowtorch the other day.”
“She told me she was going to paint a mural on the side of her house.”
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Stop, drop, and roll but for flame wars:
Stop – and think about it, you don’t even know this angry person.
Drop – your ego, and just go with it. You think I’m trash? Neat. Thanks.
Roll – away from any further discussion by muting or blocking
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
ME: [brutally murdered by police for no reason]
MEDIA: Man Involved in Yesterday’s Curfuffle Had Troubling History of Pot Use and Cursing
My therapist said that “everyone is stupid except for me” is not a helpful mindset. Sounds like something a stupid person would say, if you ask me
In 2009, Nigerian police arrested a goat on suspicion of attempted armed robbery.