Depends on what the free sample is. Is it brisket?
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why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
I could EASILY beat the Predator in a rap battle cuz what’s he gonna do? Click at me? Ok loser
I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.
No, honey, you aren’t a “hot mess” or a “beautiful disaster”.
You are a psycho with mascara.
*knuckle tats*
( S | H | H | H) ( H | H | H | H )
(I’m a librarian)
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
At the zoo, you have to drag me away from the otter pool. The promise of a soft pretzel usually does it.
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
I’m not gaining weight, I’m “retaining candy.”
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
[McDonalds drive thru]
toddler [possibly drunk] ASK IF THEY HAVE POP TARTS
Laughter is like a face orgasm. If he can give me that, he earned an audition for giving me an actual orgasm.
(more comics:
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
me: I wish I knew how to make you less angry
her: you could start by just listening to me once in a-
me: I mean I’ll do anything
her: I just said you can lis-
me: anything at all
When I joined the ski patrol, I had only one mission in mind: fighting crime on ski slopes. I left quietly soon after.
[first day in prison]
Hold up, are you telling me this food is FREE?!?
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
My daughter asked me what it’s like to be a parent, so I woke her up at 3 AM to let her know that I couldn’t sleep.
kidnapper: [putting more duct tape over my mouth] i said stop eating it
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Me: Ooh, I love those pretty Christmas lights hanging over the street.
Cop: Those are traffic lights, what’s exactly in the thermos ma’am?
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Every time my husband pisses me off, I sprinkle sugar on his deodorant so he’s wondering all day why his armpit hair is so sticky.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
I truly don’t get the people that say the only thing they wish for their ex (s) is for them to be happy, even if it’s not with you
I’m over here secretly wishing mine would combust