Give your kid a phone so they can call in case of an emergency or tell you what they want to be for Halloween or say they saw a squirrel or
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THE EXORCIST (1973) An incompetent priest botches a routine case.
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
*brings empty Cheetos bag to the pharmacy for a refill*
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
Please stop saying, “not all heroes wear capes.” It is hurting business and times are very hard here at the cape factory lately.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Whenever I get mad at my husband, I go unravel all of his extension cords.
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
Absolutely insane clap-to-blink ratio
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
If there was a game show where people have to find a phone charger before their phone dies I would win the million dollars
Rose petals are expensive.
Just throw Doritos all over the bed.
My ex says he’s dating someone new but according to his Instagram she’s a sandwich
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
If you’re having a bad day, just remember someone is dating your ex and thinking they got lucky 😂
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
what if all your eggs hatched and when u opened the fridge a dozen baby chicks were staring up at u like u were their mom
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
(20s) ew this bar is full of old people let’s get out of here.
(50s) ew this bar is full of young people let’s get out of here.
“I’m just gonna go”, she says, with her finger hovering over the red leave button
– my 5yo, two minutes into her first zoom class of the day
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6