WHO DID THIS?
You Might Also Like
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
Leonardo Dicaprio has addressed the UN about climate change.
Well if anyone should know about the dangers of melting icebergs, it’s him!
A kleptomaniac in a bakery really takes the cake
*waits for someone to have sex with me so I can use the ‘sex with me is like’ joke format*
I’m not saying women are smarter than men, but its kinda ironic that there’s so few known women serial killers and so many unsolved murders.
[2000]
Satan: I need a new idea on how to mess with people
Henchman 1: New STD?
S: No
H2: Incurable virus?
S: No
H3: A cameraphone
S: Nice
More often than not, I read applause as applesauce.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
My favorite thing on Twitter is when two astrologers fight about who’s right.
If I were an orthopedic surgeon, I would totally set up shop at the end of a Home Depot aisle
If she didn’t reply to any of your 20 texts, she probably doesn’t have good cell service. Definitely don’t stop texting her
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
This empty bowl of cake batter taught me I shouldn’t volunteer to make cupcakes for weddings alone.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
HIM: And a trillion dollars.
GENIE: Alright, cool, that’s your last wish.
HIM: Haha, thanks! Too bad wishing for infinite wishes isn’t allowed.
GENIE: Why wouldn’t that be allowed?
HIM: It’s… it’s one of the rules.
GENIE: I’ve literally never heard that.
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
me: [getting down on one knee] i’ve wanted to ask you since we met
her:
me: [rolling into a ball] do you like my impression of a grape
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
It’s great that doctors are now offering digital appointments, but my online gyno checkup was really awkward.
*uses Sharpie to write, “do not drop” on your newborn’s forehead before handing it back.
me: wow you sure are playing hard to get
after-school appointment at my kid’s dentist: *blushes* oh you
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
Son: What IS it?
Daughter: Dunno. Maybe a possum?
S: Should it be that color?
D: Try poking it.
Me: I’M NEVER COOKING FOR YOU GUYS AGAIN.
I wonder if my girlfriend jenniferbobmarklayla4362774463564636688 survived the bot purge?
I’m ready to talk trash, okay who recycles?
how many years later this still send me omfg this is peak comedy
My gf wants us to try couples counseling and I said we should use my therapist bc he already knows what’s wrong with her
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds