WHO DID THIS?
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Posted in every booth at a Thai restaurant in Fargo.
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
Sorry, I called you by accident. I was actually just trying to delete your number from my phone.
Its probably time to clean the microwave when you heat coffee and it comes out smelling like a burrito.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
Dear people with resolutions,
Please bring all your unwanted.. bread, junk food, soda, drugs, and alcohol to my house. Thanks.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
I’m never quite sure when to lean in for a kiss after a job interview.
The accuracy #BlowsMyMind
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Parenting means begging your kids to leave you alone for 5 minutes only to freak out when it’s been 10 minutes and realizing that you don’t know where they are.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
Her: Make me a mimosa.
Me: But we’re out of orange juice.
Her: I don’t see the problem.
Moaning Myrtle haunting the bathroom but it’s just me after eating Taco Bell.
A skinny friend told me she’s never hungry and just ‘forgets to eat’, so I drove her out to the woods and left her for dead. Is that wrong?
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
Me: The dog’s eaten the remote control
Wife: Then get another one[later]
Wife: Change the channel
Me *petting 2 dogs* how?
HEALTH OFFICIAL: one way to slow the spread of disease is to isolate yourself from people
ME: way ahead of you
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I’ve never simultaneously loved something so much and wanted it to shut up as badly as I do with my kids.
A friend of mine just said, Am I the only one who gives my dog a massage?
Well, I replied, I can honestly say I’ve never given your dog a massage.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
WANTED: Call center workers with very weak english, poor communication skills and short temper needed for major bank. Bonus paid for low IQ.
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds