Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
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Me in a huff: you just said disrobe down to my socks. You didn’t say anything about staying in the exam room
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
God: you’re an amphibian.
Frog: what does that mean?
God: it means you can breathe on land and in the water.
Frog: omg you mean I’m a mermaid?
God: no that’s not what I-
Frog: [whispers] I’m the littlest mermaid.
I don’t want to kill mice but I know they have to go so the cat takes care of it. When she goes down to the basement I’m like a mafia wife. She’s doing what has to be done and I don’t want to know about it.
Void?
Y E S F R I E N D
Can you answer a question?
Y E S
What’s the meaning of life?
L O O K B E H I N D Y O U
There’s nothing there.Oh.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
The amount of things I charge in the evening is why I’ll be the first to go in next apocalypse
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
me; I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
My husband ordered a hearing aid off of Amazon. I’m so screwed you guys.
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Dasani water taste like it’s been sitting in a water gun
Just once, I’d like to see a judge take the verdict slip from the jury, look at it, and then turn and say,
ARE YOU SHIT’N ME?
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Idea: Always carry around a chicken, so if you’re murdered your chalk outline won’t just be the same old boring shit.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
My boss said he wanted the fire drill to be as realistic as possible, but then he yelled at me for looting. Make up your mind, bro.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
[applying for a home loan]
Lender: how much is your car payment
Me: uhh
Lender: what’s your salary before taxes
Me: umm
Lender: do you know anything
Me: *smugly* a group of cats is called a clowder