@PeteSnacks: Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I'm very sorry for your loss.
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@TheMichaelRock: 12yo: Can we go to a haunted house this year? Me: What's wrong with the one we live in? 12yo: WHAT?! Me: Goodnight, son.
@jackiembouvier: Thank you, baby Jesus for helping my favorite sports team instead of saving people from a tsunami. You must really love baseball.
@SamuelHLowe: "Based on a true story" means it happened more or less like this, but with ugly people.