@PeteSnacks: Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I'm very sorry for your loss.
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@internetluke: [wife explaining to me how deaths in movies work] So the actors really don't die? "No" So is Abraham Lincoln really not dead? *she sighs*
@notbedelia: When your wife says she needs a new broom it's best not to ask if she broke the last one in a crash landing.
@philco816: Kids we are running late let's go! *Kids I'm going to count every stair on the way down with out my shoes on.*
@WheelTod: Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.