Doctor: You have acute alcoholism.
Me: Thanks, but let me tell you it’s not very cute in the morning.
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i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
The sooner you admit that you’ve made a mistake, the sooner you can move on to making bigger and better mistakes.
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
“I am lichenthrope.”
“Don’t you mean lycanthrope?”
“No.” *turns into moss*
I feel like people are in such a hurry these days, that there isn’t enough moseying happening anymore. Dont even get me started on sauntering and lollygagging.
Husband: Who bought all this Halloween candy? I thought we were going out to dinner that night.
Me: (between bites of candy) What’s your point?
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
He died doing what he loved; shouting ‘boo!’ behind horses.
The only way anyone should die is “mysteriously.” It just makes for better stories. “He lived a long, full life and died peacefully in his sleep.” Lame. Boring. A waste. “He lived a long, full life and disappeared in Panama, leaving enigmatic clues.” Excellent. Superb. No notes.
I learned two things today:
1) my mother-in-law is coming over for dinner
2) it takes me 1 hour 47 minutes to get home from work in idle
Am I financially wealthy? No.
But am I rich when it comes to relationships, happiness, and experiences? Still no.
Customer: do you sell {item}?
Coworker: oh, yeah but I’m just having a hard time getting it in
Me: *resisting the urge to go nudge, nudge, wink, wink, eh?, phrasing boom, that’s what she said*
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
[Jesus at the bar]
“Oh, I’ll just have a water”
*winks at camera*
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
Me: I’m so happy that gyms have reopened. I’ll do whatever it takes to get in back in shape
Trainer: That’s great! Let’s start with…
Me: Snacks?
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
[buying a USB cord at Best Buy]
that’ll be $29.99
[buying a USB cord off Amazon]
here, take 5 cords for $4.99 and I’ll throw in a free horse
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
I bought some Velcro shoes so that nobody can make fun of my velcro wallet anymore because now they will match
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
If you’re forcing me to choose between you and my dream of making a sequel to the 1982 horror classic then you’ve got another Thing coming.
me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
me: want to read more harry potter?
7: sure, we are at the part where harry is talking to dumpledore
me: dumbledore
7: right, dumpledore
me: ᵂʰᵉʳᵉ ᵈᶦᵈ ᴵ ᵍᵒ ʷʳᵒⁿᵍ