@super_morgasm: Who does Santa think he is, judging me?! I might be naughty, but he's fat.
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@ValeeGrrl: 7yo: [points to baptism outfit hanging in closet] IS THAT TINY WHITE OUTFIT FROM WHEN I DID BABY KARATE Me: 7yo: Me: yup 7yo: AWESOME
@TheTweetOfGod: Instagram is experiencing difficulties. Until further notice, please cease visually chronicling the tedious mundanities of your life.
@T_N_Crumpets: Dentist: open Me: *opens* Dentist: wider Me: *opens more* Dentist: wider Me: *opens more* Dentist: that's it, now come in and take a seat
@_itspat_: There's been a rash of break ins recently involving teenage boys, so I switched out all the locks in my home with bra clasps.