@super_morgasm: Who does Santa think he is, judging me?! I might be naughty, but he's fat.
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@GetCougarized: Big things DO NOT always come in small packages! I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
@noogscorner: Cop: License and registration please. Me: Give me a second, I'm drunk. Cop: Sir, have you been drinking? Me: No.
@TheHyyyype: [my future self comes back in time] HIM: here's every sports score for the next 20 years ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
@_b1p0larbear: Thinking about kids? My son poured syrup in every floor vent. 11 years later it still smells like waffles every time the heat comes on.