@super_morgasm: Who does Santa think he is, judging me?! I might be naughty, but he's fat.
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@ArfMeasures: *sees "The customer is always right" sign* *the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths "not you"*
@Springaling85: Walking up to guys with girls with them and saying "you never called! Our son is 5 now" then walk away....always brightens my day
@Brianhopecomedy: You ever had garbage in one hand but you accidentally throw out the thing that you want in your other hand? LOL. Anyways, the baby's ok.
@jjhartinger: I went to the Gym and the power went out. I whispered, "thank you baby jesus" and left.