Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
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Trump: 🎶 Do you wanna build a snowman? 🎶
Elsa: Who will pay for this snowman?
Trump: 🎶 Ok byeee 🎶
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
I just hit my toe and it was at that moment I realized I spoke 4 different languages
cop: you have one phone call
me: [dials 911] get me outta here
If you see your ex, wrap your hands behind your neck and pretend you’re making out with someone. That’ll show him you’re still crazy AF.
who did the taste test?
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Me: But I’m sweaty, I’m anxious, my heart rate is up
Doctor: This is the 3rd visit I’ve had to tell you I can’t treat being offended online
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
Yes I can still pop, lock and drop it*!
*pop my hip joint, it locks up and I drop to the floor*
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
On June 28, 2009 Stephen Hawking threw a party for time-travelers. He announced the party the day after it happened and he said no one came.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Your Honor, these 52 selfies on my clients phone at the precise moment of the crime prove that my client can only be guilty of narcissism.
Counting calories is great for when you want to eat and do math and cry at the same time.
Me: I try to avoid working out while on vacation.
Also me: [lugs seven beach chairs, five umbrellas, a cooler, a bag containing snacks and 13 bottles of sunscreen, and a cornhole set down a half-mile down to the beach through eight inches of soft sand]
3 introduced me to a new game he calls “It’s Mine” he hands you an object and when you say “thank you” he grabs it back and yells “that’s mine”
1/5 stars, do not recommend, but honestly it’s not the worst game he’s made up
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
Tupperware: this dating service “Tops and Bottoms” just didn’t turn out the way I thought.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
About four minutes into any run I decide to work on my personality instead.
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Am I a bad navigator? Well off course
I told my wife the laundry on the couch ain’t gonna fold itself so if y’all don’t hear from me later she probably folded me like an omelet.
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.