Who else does this?
1. wets toothbrush
2. puts toothpaste on toothbrush
3. wets toothbrush again
4. does backflip on to huge pile of money
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there’s a jehovah’s witness dressed up as a cop who keeps banging on my door, haha nice try buddy
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
John Denver: Almost heaven-
Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing
John Denver: -West Virginia
Me: Ok
So many songs that tell you to throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care, so few about the hazards of ceiling fans.
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Here’s a meme
I hate people who hold grudges, but not as much as I hate my high school German teacher.
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
If your entire outfit can be purchased at a gas station it’s not appropriate for court.
*walks away from an explosion in slow motion
*walks right into another explosion in slow motion
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
why do these women want to date pete davidson, a funny movie star, and not me, a guy who is whining
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
Husband: Do you want to watch “how to become a cult leader”
Me: nah
Husb: you could create your own cult
Me: I already did…. I made 2 humans from my body and they depend on me for everything… I’m their god
Just realized I follow Barack Obama and he follows me back. Excuse me while I send the leader of the free world a DM about Harry Potter.
Bond. Trauma bond.
3:27 am is a fine time to walk around on someone’s back
– my cat
Her: you take nice selfies
Me: so I’m vain
Her: no you’re photogenic
Me: oh so I’m ugly in real life
Her: just say thanks
Me: oh so I’m rude
Good foods can release dopamine which the brain can interpret as attraction and totally unrelated I made you some chicken parm & fried risotto balls & crispy grilled potatoes & baked you this cake. And an apple pie & cookies and I baked you a loaf of bread for no reason at all
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
When I was 8, my best friend & I had a big fight. The next week his family moved away. Dave, if you’re reading this, I still hate your guts.
*takes an exam in a coffin*
*passes*
Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me
Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
A girl phoned me the other day and said…”Come on over, there’s nobody home.” I went over. Nobody was home.
so apparently if u donate a kidney ur a big hero but donate 9 kidneys and people get very upset
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
My recipe for an upside-down cake is super easy:
1. Make a cake.
2. While carrying it, trip over the dog.