Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
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I made the mistake of meeting one of my cat鈥檚 demands and now he has more.
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you鈥檙e wondering why I鈥檒l be limping tomorrow.
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
* gets mugged *
“Add a tip? | 15% | 20% | 30% |”
PERSONAL TRAINER: How’s your nutrition?
ME: *dipping my burrito into custard* Not going to lie. It’s been worse.
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
*shitting pants, crying, missing my shoe*
yoga instructor: you need to leave
me: oh is this not child’s pose?
My kids don鈥檛 recognize me with my mask on at school pick-ups, so I either have to dress as Waldo everyday or perform the Macarena.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Scientist: No
Cop: How much science u do tonite?
Scientist: Just one-[test tube falls from coat]
Cop: Get out
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
COP: let鈥檚 see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain鈥檛 gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
the only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it鈥檚 started an OnlyFans account.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn鈥檛 home.
Me: Nevermind.
The only thing worse than getting caught sneaking alcohol into the house by your wife is being called amateur by your teen son.
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
[Chocolate Cake 101]
Sober: Use a fork
Stoned: Use your fingers
Drunk: Use your face
Having to walk all the way to a person鈥檚 house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
馃槒馃槒馃槒
Me: NOT THIS TIME
Kids: *already running away with my pants*
[dinner party, setting out the main]
Friend: Wow! Is this edible gold? You鈥檙e really stepping up your game!
Me, thinking about my kid鈥檚 art taped to the kitchen cupboard shedding glitter like a damn Head & Shoulders commercial: Isn鈥檛 it fancy?!
And your jalape帽os, are they poppered in house?
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
My husband excused himself from the table to take a work call. What鈥檚 the official waiting period on stealing his fries?
Sorry I had to cancel for the 5th time in a row, I thought you would stop inviting me by now.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my husband holding my credit card over the shredder.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
It鈥檚 National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.